Because I am at a point in my life where I am losing friends to death with increasing frequency, I have tried to follow Joe Alsop’s advice and example to keep developing younger friends. I do that both because I enjoy people of all ages, and also to guard against loneliness.
Katherine Graham, Personal History, p. 619
A few weeks ago, spurred on by my 75th (!) birthday and the loss of two close family members, I wanted to talk about aging - gracefully or not - and how I was thinking about it at my advanced years. (Yes, you may roll your eyes at that. I know I do!)
But a funny thing happened while I was trying to pull together my thoughts. I started sounding like a really cranky, judgemental jerk. I tried to write about choosing to stay active and engaged with the world around us, using that engagement to keep us young at heart and mentally stimulated.
That was all well and good, but when I tried to contrast it with those who choose to relax and enjoy their so-called golden years, it felt, well, cranky and judgemental. And while I do believe being active and maintaining friendships in all generations is a good thing, I found myself talking about stereotypes I didn’t like, or even believe in.
I was applying value judgements to the lifestyle choices of other people, and it wasn’t a good look. Worse, I think I was judging myself by those same values and stereotypes and finding myself failing.
What was I thinking? We all have a right to the retirement we choose, and I most emphatically do not have a right to judge other people for their choices. I can disagree, but I don’t have the right to judge.
Realizing that that whole train of thought was making me angry at, and judgemental of, myself, I put the column in the trash and delayed the post I was trying to write. No sense continuing a post that even I didn’t agree with!
So, when I came across this passage recently, while reading Graham’s excellent memoir, I felt a sense of recognition. In many ways this is what I was trying to talk about, and I am doing much the same thing. Most of my friends are younger than I am, some of them by a generation or more.
But while I do share her motivations I think there is another, even more important, element.
I truly believe one of the things that keeps us going as creatives - and as human beings - is being curious.
Another part of creating, something I talked about early on, is consuming art. Whether that’s a visual arts show, a television series, a book, a movie, a gourmet meal, a garden tour, a concert - we need to expose ourselves to other people’s art in order to feed our own creativity. (I wrote about this in a column titled “Filling the Well,” nearly three years ago.)
To that we add courage. The courage to try new things, to experiment with unfamiliar media, to venture into the unknown.
Those three - curiosity, consumption, and courage - are what I see as the basis for being a lifelong learner; and being a lifelong learner, I believe, is what keeps us engaged with the world and moving forward, no matter how many candles are crammed onto that birthday cake (For the record: I did not have candles. The fire marshall would not have approved them indoors.)
I have people in my life who say I don’t act my age. Well, as the saying goes, I don’t know how to act my age, I’ve never been this age before.
I only know how to act like myself. I go places and do things to satisfy my curiosity. I read, and watch, and look, and listen to enjoy other people’s creative efforts. I am learning to be more daring, more willing to try new things. All of these combine to feed my own creativity.
It’s a process, as life always is, and one that I plan to continue for as long as I can. And that is something I can celebrate without judgment.