I'm going to step back from my emphasis on creativity this week and talk a bit about something personal that all of us will face at some point: The loss of friends and family.
As you know, last week I attended the memorial service for my uncle Les. All three of my siblings were there, along with my uncle Marshall, Les's surviving brother (his two surviving sisters were unable to attend). It was a sad day, certainly, but a good one. Many family members were there, along with Donna, his companion for the last decades of his life.
But there were family members missing, and those gaps loomed large as we shared the day and visited with family we see all-too-seldom. The conversation turned, as it does, to talk of those missing family members and the reasons they might have chosen to stay away. In most cases the answers were of the practical variety: nieces who couldn't get time off work in the middle of the week, one sister lived 2.000 miles away, the other sister had taken a fall walking back to her car after doing her shopping (at 93) and couldn't travel, nephews for whom we didn't have correct contact info.
Then there were the other reasons. Estrangements that had been allowed to settle in and now would never be broken. Arguments left unresolved. Distances, both physical and emotional, that will never be crossed. To his credit, there were very few of those.
Those few were the tough ones. Les was not perfect. None of us is. But he was whip-smart, one helluva storyteller, attractive, and completely charming. As someone said that afternoon, "All the women in his life loved him." We loved him for his good qualities, and in spite of his bad ones.
I hadn't really intended to talk about this - it has very little to do with the main thrust of this channel - but this weekend I learned that the beloved wife of a dear friend has passed. I read his initial report with tears in my eyes; 55 years of marriage, two kids, a good life. Later, he wrote at greater length and the heartbreak was evident in every word. They were fortunate to have each other, to have a good and loving relationship, and to be able to spend the last months together.
The final thing pushing me to share this was a call from a friend, someone I had worked with for several years. They needed help with getting to the grocery store, and to a doctor's appointment. They were, in fact, desperate. Unable to drive (related to the doctor's appointments) and isolated from their few family members, they were forced to rely on casual friends for the most basic needs. Why estranged? I have no idea, and it's none of my business. But I can see the path they are on, and it's not going anywhere good. I will help where I can, but this will continue and I don't see it getting any better.
I am extremely fortunate. I have a family I love, and that love is returned a hundred-fold. My siblings, my children, my in-laws, and my parents (when they were still alive) have all been there for me - for us - when we needed them. We have tried to return that love and assistance as much as we can. As my sister says when I thank her, "It's what families do." But I can look around me and see time and again that is is NOT what families do. Or at least not all families.
I am forever grateful for that good fortune, but more importantly I must remain ever-vigilant to maintain those relationships. As we age and we begin to lose those who came before us, we must treasure the relationships that remain.
I am well aware that there are family members who do not deserve our love and support. There are parents, siblings, aunts and uncles and cousins, who are toxic and must be excised. as one would any cancer.
But there are also those we have simply lost touch with, who we have been "too busy" to keep in close contact with, those with whom we have nothing in common. When that is the case, it just might be a good idea to see if we can mend those fences, re-connect with the people who share our ancestors and heritage.
If that isn't possible, and I will grant you that it may not be, then we need to build a family of the heart, a circle of people we can turn to when we need them, and who can turn to us with the assurance that we will love and support each other. We all need to know that there will be someone there with us, all the way to the end.
It might be a bit difficult, but it beats the hell out of regret.