Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that the universe is trying to tell you something? That you have been seeing the same message and not letting it sink in?
Well, after last week's post - about self care, coping mechanisms, and controlling anxiety - you would think I could have figured out what was going on inside my head.
But, no! That whole "cast out the mote" thing went right over my head. Oh sure, I was able to see the value of what Max said in her blog, and to pass that wisdom along to you in the hopes of helping you gain strength and peace from your creative activities.
Did I personally take in that wisdom though? Hardly!
So the universe had to find a bigger clue-by-four to apply upside my head, and it came in the form of another column from Modern Daily Knitting. This one is from Franklin Habit in his Letter From Paris, that touches on some of the same themes Max Daniels talked about last week.
Habit comes at the topic from a different direction - that doing something he feels in control of, tangible evidence of competence in at least one aspect of his life provides a sense of comfort and progress in an otherwise chaotic and seemingly unproductive period.
This time I think the message started to sink in.
We had a tough winter. The weather was gloomy, wet and dark, and we spent many months cooped up in our little house with the walls closing in. There were family (and extended family) issues, there were health scares. Lots of little and not-so-little problems piled up and we felt trapped with no escape. In short we, I, felt unable to control my life and there didn't appear to be an escape insight.
Winter was dismal-not nearly as sunny and beautiful as this day last spring-but it truly felt like we were at the end of our rope, and the pavement was indeed ending.
I had trouble writing, a reliable outlet for the last several years. I wrote through both my parents' final days, through massive health crises for both my spouse and me, through a series of upheavals, and through the chaos of my aborted attempts to retire.
But I struggled to get even a few words on the page, and my characters refused to come out and play. Ideas that seemed so exciting fell apart the minute I sat down at the computer.
Which is when I picked up my knitting needles and my beads once again. Something familiar, something I had control over, something soothing and repetitive that kept my hands busy, something that produced a tangible result..
To many this looks like chaos. But to me it's a place I feel comfortable and in control. It's a familiar, soothing process.
This renewed interest has been going on for several weeks - enough that I am working, as I said, on a sales site for my output - and it only just got through to me that I have been looking for a sense of control, for the soothing of familiarity and repetition, as a relief from the constant stress of the last few months.
In the past, when I had a real-world job, there was the repetition and familiarity and the structure of the job to provide some of that feeling of control. Especially when I had done the same job for 20 years and I knew I was good at it. No matter what else was going on I had the comfort of knowing there was a place where I was in control and I produced tangible results.
These are some of the tangible results of the last few weeks. They are some of the things that have provided me comfort and a feeling of accomplishment.
Retirement took away that piece, and the pandemic shattered whatever comfort I thought I had to replace it. Only now, after more than three years of clinging with all our might to any tiny crumb of stability, have I begun to recognize how out of control I have felt, and to acknowledge how much it cost.
So today I am listening to the universe and allowing myself the freedom to do those things that provide comfort and joy. And if the universe is sending you the same message, I give you permission (if you need it) to listen and to hear - and to bring joy and creativity into your life in whatever way you can.