Difficult as I may finding it to believe, I think I am starting to adjust to truly being retired. One reason for that optimism? I am finally starting to develop a few habits that are not rooted in some holdover from my day job.
Early in this journey - long before I knew it would take three tries to finally retire - I talked about the imbedded schedule I followed, and how it affected my daily and weekly routine. In particular I talked about Sunday night: the weekly chores like curling my hair, and laying out clothes for the coming week, and how those preparations ramped up my anxiety about the coming week. That anxiety marked the beginning of every work week, often resulting in poor sleep that reflected in my Monday morning attitude.
Now, after three months with no Monday mornings, I am finally starting to relax, to sleep in, and to jettison that anxiety habit. This is a different adjustment than the one I had with that during my first, abortive attempt at retirement. This time it feels permanent. There is not a lingering possibility of returning to the office.
One last look. After 23 years I am going to really miss this view every day. The new guy will let me come visit at least!
This is especially strange since I worked three days about a week ago. But that may be precisely why this does feel permanent.
Those days were for my old company’s on-site financial audit - the same thing that pulled me back in the first time. An audit is like the final exam for an accounting department, the chance to prove that you’ve been giving the right answers all year.
Participating in that exercise felt like a conclusion of all the work we have been battling with for the last two-plus years - and I think we passed with flying colors. We answered the questions, provided information, and generally acquitted ourselves well.
And then I walked away. I did three days on my own schedule, set up a final archive project, and then instead of doing the work myself (as planned) I decided I could hand off the actual implementation and did so.
I knew I was done.
I am finally on my own path. Perhaps not as smooth and straight as the road I was on before, but it's time to find my own way!
I still hear a little voice in my head, saying “You said that the last time,” and I keep trying to tell that little voice to shut up, but I know it’s right. I have said this before. And I’ve failed before. Still, I am trying again and I do believe it will take this time.
So, now that I taken my final exam, I can move ahead and try to get some kind of new routine, some schedule - or no schedule at all! - that will work going forward.
After a few weeks back on the retirement path I am pretty sure I will need some kind of routine. I am a creature of habit, as are most humans. I need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and some deadlines so chores and projects continue to get done. I have to fight against the inertia that says “You can do that tomorrow” every day. Sure, I can do it tomorrow, but a week of tomorrows can pass almost without notice that way.
For now, the schedules have yet to be discovered, but I’m willing to let them develop over the next few months. I have found a simple, very basic, morning routine. Morning pills, teeth brushing, make coffee, feed the cat, scoop the litter box, and wash any dishes left from the day before. It isn’t much, but it gives me a foundation for the rest of the day. If there’s coffee, and we start the day with a clean kitchen, that’s something to build on.
The office is ready for me. Desktop for writing, Mac for layout and publishing business, recording equipment when I want to try audio, and a Peace lily, a going-away gift from the boss who called me "Supergirl." Time for some new habits!
We have one short road trip planned in a few weeks, and then I expect to have several uninterrupted months to build the next layer in that routine. My top priority is to reinforce the habit of writing every day. Beyond that there are practical necessities like time for cleaning (a necessary evil, in my book), and I know there will be business matters to deal with at least a time or two each week.
Things are in flux, new routines will replace old ones, and I am sure I’ll find new forms of anxiety to replace the old ones. Habits will be tested and broken, routines will be adjusted time and again. All of this will build on so much of what has gone before, and I’m sure we will circle back around and talk about it some more in the coming months.
The best part, for me, is knowing that at least one of the early issues has resolved itself, and I am no longer finding Sunday nights a cause for anxiety and sleeplessness. There are a lot of other things that still disrupt my sleep patterns, but that is no longer one of them.