Rebellion

Many years ago, one of my siblings (who will remain unnamed for my own safety in repeating this story) in a fit of anger at some rule or other, screamed at my mother, “This is a tie-raney!”

Needless to say, this outburst did not produce the desired response. Instead of outrage or anger, or being grounded until they were 25, they got hysterical laughter from both mom and their older siblings.

To be fair, the reason they couldn’t pronounce “tyranny” correctly was because they had only ever read the word, not heard it spoken, and as an adult I have some sympathy for their gaffe. But at the time, and even now, it still makes me laugh.

But now I also feel their pain. I am living with a tyrant, and a rebel – with both the perpetrator and the victim of this particular tie-raney. And they are both me.

This situation is a bit of a pickle. It seems that the rebel is refusing to follow any schedule or pay attention to any deadline, and the so-called tyrant – who is really just the adult in the room, much as my mother was all those years ago – keeps trying to impose some kind of order on the chaos of retirement.

Do you remember the anarchy that was summer vacation? When for a few short weeks all the discipline and order of the school year disappeared, much to the dismay of our parents? When we stayed up late and slept even later, or rose at the crack of dawn even though we refused to get up on time for school? When we did our best to ignore bath-time or bed-time, no matter how hard our parents tried to maintain some semblance of order?

Perhaps you also remember that lawless time from the point of view of a parent; trying to wrangle kids over-tired from days spent playing in the sun for hours, attempting to maintain some kind of order in the midst of the chaotic freedom of summer.

Or was that just me? I know my older child – who is now one of those people who get up at dawn to go to the gym before work – started out as a night owl. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that as a two-year-old he knew the phrase, “Heeere’s Johnny!”

Yet somehow we all survived the chaos, became adults (sort of), and eventually reached an age where we are once again released from outside schedules, and have to come up with our own replacements for the structure of schools and jobs.

I have been talking about this a lot lately, because I have been trying to figure out how to make this work for me, and I have been on a tilt setting for months.

The problem, as I see it, is what I described above: I have to be the parent who sets some kind of schedule and imposes deadlines, while at the same time I am the rebellious child screaming about “a tie-raney.” Given that setup, it’s pretty easy for rebel me to subvert everything adult me tries to do.

I mean, what is adult me going to do, send rebel me to my room? Rebel me would not see that as punishment, since I have books to entertain myself, and a comfy bed for a nap.

No, there don’t seem to be many consequences for rebel me. It’s like I can do whatever I want.

Oh, wait! That’s the definition of retirement I’ve been using, isn’t it?

D’oh!

I have been enjoying that freedom, even though it sometimes comes with a healthy serving of boredom. It’s fairly easy to handle the boredom with a book, or the television, or a game, or cruising the internet.

Among the dozens of ways to entertain myself I have discovered several TV series that are touchstones for my generation (broadly-defined) which I never watched. I must admit that some of them could – and one could argue should – remain undiscovered. Even those have proved to be instructional as I sample series that didn’t age well and quickly discard them, often learning something about story-telling in the process.

And yet…

There are things I want to do, stories I want to tell. But telling those stories means I have to sit down and put them into words that I can share with others, because for me that is part of the process. Telling stories requires an audience, and while Aesop might have been able to stand in the public square and recount his tales aloud, modern society frowns on such behavior. Besides, venues are hard to come by: librarians shush you, shopping malls have disappeared or have security teams to discourage public performances, pubs and restaurants want to control what gets performed on their premises.

Nope, if I want an audience I have to write this stuff down.

The biggest part of this battle is simply my own rebellion against rules and deadlines. Somewhere deep down my inner petulant adolescent keeps saying “You’re not the boss of me.” I don’t like her very much at the moment, but she seems to be testing her wings and trying to find the limits of her freedom.

I don’t know if this is common, nor do I have a good answer for her behavior right now. She was always such a “good girl,” and a rule-follower that I don’t quite know how to handle her.

I just know I don’t want to live in a tie-raney, even one where the rebel is in charge.

Has anyone else experienced this? Do you rebel against yourself, refusing to do the things you want to just because you can, maybe for the first time in your life? Were you a rule-follower and a schedule-keeper and now you just “don’t wanna”?

Who is imposing the tie-raney in your life?

The Value of Ritual

Well, I guess I can officially pronounce myself retired. It’s just a few weeks short of a year since I was last in the office in any official capacity, but an even more conclusive sign is that I have absolutely lost track of what day it is.

It’s true.

This morning I got up, made coffee, and began getting ready for out Saturday morning cartoons.

Except it isn’t Saturday. It’s Friday. I somehow lost a day, and I don’t know whether to be happy or appalled. Maybe a bit of both.

I should explain that Saturday morning cartoons actually mean watching videos from several of the creators we follow, many of whom I have mentioned here. Not all of them keep to a schedule, but there are usually several new  videos by Saturday morning, and we usually spend the first hour or two of our day eating breakfast in front of the TV, just like so many of us did when we were kids.

It’s one of our little rituals. I am also on a Thursday night trivia team with friends. I know others who have “date night,” or “family game night,” or a regular coffee date with friends – something that gives their week or month a sense of structure.

Over the last few months, as I have finally achieved the “retired” status, I have been looking for some structure on which to hang my days and weeks. I love having unstructured time, love not being tied to someone else’s schedule, but I am finding myself a little too unstructured. I spend entirely too much of my day just “doing nothing.”

Don’t get me wrong. I needed some down time. I needed to uncouple myself from the tightly-scheduled life I led for nearly seventy years of school and work. I needed a summer vacation with every day free, like we had when we were kids and school got out for the year.

Clearly, I have achieved that. I stay up as late as I want, sleep in if I want, and don’t leave the house at all some days. But too much freedom is proving just as enervating as too much structure.

Frankly, I’m getting bored, and I think wanting today to be Saturday, to be my “coffee and cartoons” morning, is a symptom of that boredom.

I’m not looking for a schedule, but I am trying to find some structure. Back in December I talked about the cloud that had been hanging over me, and my seeming inability to make it go away. Since then I have managed to establish a tiny routine each morning – feed the cat, make coffee, clean the litter box, wash any dishes left from the night before – to keep the household functioning. A step in the right direction, and it does feel as though the cloud has lifted somewhat.

Now what I need to do is grow that structure a bit. I have been keeping my beadwork handy, thanks to the new storage chests, which have replaced a table that had become a dumping ground for anything we didn’t have a place for. I have completed several more projects, and it is helping. I’m working on the next book, and fiddling with a short story that’s due next month.

Things are moving in the right direction. I think.

Oh, and I got the taxes finished and filed, so there’s that.

But what about you? Are you having issues with too much unstructured time? Or have you found a way to have both your freedom from schedules and a useful structure? Tell me what worked for you, I’d love to hear it!

Regrets? I Have a Few

I don’t know if I agree with the line that follows: “But then again, too few to mention.” Still, I know that I am looking forward to eliminating as many regrets as possible in the years ahead. Life is too short for regrets.

Most of my regrets come from things I didn’t do. 

I didn’t finish college, and though it is never too late I don’t see myself putting in the time and effort (not to mention expense) to finish a degree that no longer feels relevant. Yes, I would love to say I went back and got my bachelor’s (I do have an associate degree), but it feels as though the time for that has passed. If it’s only for bragging rights I think I’d rather spend the time writing new books.

I didn’t start writing seriously until I was nearly 50. Do I wish I’d started sooner? You bet! But was I ready to accept the challenge and face the rejection that came with submitting my work, putting it out in public for others to praise or pan? Probably not. 

I never went to Paris, though it has been one of those “impossible dreams” for as long as I can remember. My retirement income likely will not stretch to fulfill that dream, but I won’t say “never” to this one; things could still change. 

It wasn't Paris, but this was one of the best vacations we ever took. An experience like this can replace a lot of regrets!




You might wonder what has me in such a contemplative state. Well, for the last several months we have been dealing with medical crises that have eaten up all of our time, attention, a fair amount of money, and most of our emotional energy. I’ve talked about this a bit, my husband’s four surgeries over a couple months, with one more coming up next week, and I accept it as part of aging. If we hang around long enough various parts are going to require some maintenance work. 

More than that, however, is watching those around us go through the same things. Friends who experience serious health crises, family whose health declines, and the constant drumbeat of social media reminding us almost daily of the passing of some prominent person or another.

In fact, social media seems to have elevated the act of sharing bad news to an art form. Acquaintances post stomach-churning images of their latest injury or surgery, distant family share the loss of a friend, neighbors publicly mourn the passing of a beloved pet - and we feel compelled to let that misery into our lives, to acknowledge their loss and offer our condolences, comfort, and compassion.

I have reached a point where I cannot take in all the world’s misery. I have enough of my own to deal with right now. In the space of a week we received word of two close family members who are struggling - one has been placed in hospice care, the other is going downhill rapidly - and the death of a third. At the same time I am observing the decline of yet another member of our family.

I am by nature an optimist. I feel as though I am simply lucky beyond anything I might deserve, and I am grateful for the life I have. I expect to have many more years to continue replacing regrets with experiences.

But as a result of all of this - the personal losses, and the barrage of public losses - I have been thinking a bit more about my own mortality. I think about how much time is gone, how much is left, and the things I want to do with that time.

Most of all I come back to my starting point above: Life is too short for regrets.

Does he know what's ahead? No. And neither do we. The future is what we choose to make it.

If you want to do something, do it. If you want to create something, create it. The time for your dreams and desires is now, not later. Despite my optimistic outlook, I know that later is not guaranteed - I can look around me, at my own family, and see that. 

Ask yourself what you really want, then make it happen. Live with experiences, not regret. Always.

Rites of Spring



This week I have been participating in the grand spring ritual of “getting ready for the tax man.”

For a lot of people that means gathering up records, documents, and receipts and handing them over - in some form or another - to their tax person. I do that too, but my tax person is me. Either way, it’s still a sobering rite.

Let me put my own personal take on taxes up front: I believe it is the responsibility of each and every one of us to pay our fair share. (We won’t try to define “fair” here, use your own definition.) Take all the deductions and credits to which you are entitled, and I will gladly cheer you on. But NEVER tell me what a slick way you found for declaring your car a dependent, or your hamster an employee, or your mistress as a charity. Don’t make me lose respect for you.

One other caveat: I am not a tax professional, or a lawyer. NOTHING I say can in any way be construed as financial advice. If anything I say might apply to you, put it on the list of questions for your own experts. If they’re good at what they do they’ve probably already asked you about them; but if they haven’t, or the question just hasn’t come up yet, these are a few things I realized while digging through my own files.

I was a bit more organized than this. But some years it really has been like this!

OK, with that out of the way, let’s talk about this process as it applies to your creative life.

First off, if you are trying to make some supplemental income from your creations, then you will have to declare what you earn as income. Bad news: this means it will be taxed. Good news: you can deduct your expenses involved in its creation. If you are generating income, let your tax person know about it, and keep close track of what you earn and what you spend.

This seems like such a basic concept to those of us who have done this for years - my husband has been self-employed for the entire time we have been together - but if you haven’t been independent it is a new concept. Make sure your tax person takes your concerns seriously and is willing to take the time to explain to you what they want and how they want your records organized. Following their procedures will save you a ton of money on your tax prep, since you won’t be paying for their employee to re-sort your records to fit their processes.

I would also recommend that you take a little time to take a basic class in bookkeeping, or a simple tax prep course. AARP provides training classes for their volunteer tax preparers. For the cost of a few hours time during tax season you can volunteer and get the training. While it won’t make you a tax whiz, it just might help your own tax anxieties, and give you a better understanding of taxes in general.

But what if you aren’t really trying to make money? If your creative outlet is just that, an outlet for your creative energy, and you are content to create items for yourself or to give as gifts? If that is the case, you can ignore the information above - except maybe that part about taking the AARP class and volunteering. That part’s still a great idea.

The thing that I noticed most this year is that my taxes have become more complicated in this year, the one where so much changed. I do think it will be better next year, but there are some changes that will take some adjusting.

This year I have both W-2 income (wages, from that job I couldn’t leave behind) and Social Security. My husband quit his job at the end of 2021 after his hospitalization, and he started receiving Social Security. He became eligible for Medicare. We earned a little money from our investment.

Each of these changes means a new form, or a new line on an existing form. It means learning what each thing means and how it impacts our financial health. These changes come from retirement, not creativity, but they are still things to be aware of as you plan for retirement. They will all have an impact on how you live your creative retirement.

Yeah, it kind of feels like this!

The other big change for us with the final termination of that paycheck is the loss of the tax withholding. Over all the years of our marriage I made sure that I withheld additional funds with every paycheck, hedging against those years when we had enough writing income to create a tax bill. Those years when we did we already had enough paid in to cover the taxes, and we didn’t have to write a big check come April 15.

That enforced savings comes to an end this year. For the first half of the year, while I was still getting a paycheck, I socked away extra money - a lot of extra money - because that was the only tax prepayment we would have. Even then I ended up with only about half of my normal tax deposits. 

We are fine for this year. But I am now looking ahead to the taxes for 2023 and trying to figure out how much I need to put away to pay my income taxes next spring. It’s not that I want to set that money aside, but that I want even less to write a big check next spring. It’s probably time to drag out my crystal ball and see if I can figure it out.

My point here is that a lot about your money and taxes change when you leave the job market, whether by going independent, taking retirement, severely cutting your hours, or whatever means. I thought I was completely prepared, that I knew absolutely everything I needed to about planning for my retirement finances - and I have had several surprises.

The time to plan for your creative financial retirement is well in advance of your projected retirement date, says the voice of experience.




Snow Days and Lost Loves

Winter finally came to the Oregon coast, just a little late this year. We have had our usual rain and gray skies interspersed with clear blue skies and cold weather, but this last week we got a real winter. As in, snow.

Snow on the beach, taken from the window of my old office. Photo courtesy of T. Sean Prescott (the fellow who has my old job).

With the snow came some serious cold, and ice. Now, I don’t much mind the snow. Will even drive in it. But once it turns to ice, I don’t want to leave the house. Especially after my little incident with the mud a couple weeks ago. Let’s just say I was feeling cautious.

(Did finally get X-rays, by the way. Nothing broken, just some arthritis that apparently didn’t like me slamming my body into the ground. All better now.)

As a result I took some snow days and didn’t get to my office for several days, even though I started to develop a raging case of cabin fever.

One thing I learned: when you retire, snow days just don’t mean the same as they did when you got a day off work.

After several days of not setting foot outside, a trip to the grocery store - during the middle of the day, while the sun was shining and the roads thawed - was a welcome adventure!

Although I couldn’t safely get to my computer and write a post, or work on my next book, I still got to indulge my creative side and explore an art I hadn’t had much time for recently.

I did some beadwork. Not only that, I picked up several partially-done projects and finished them.

This was all precipitated by my husband making a “find” at the local Goodwill. Two days before it snowed he came home and described some drawer units he’d found and asked if I could use them. They sounded good, so we went back and looked at them and I got out my credit card. Good thing, too. As we were checking out the cashier (who knows Mr. Tsunami Zone by name because he’s in there a lot) said someone else was looking at them but couldn’t make up her mind. We, on the other hand, happily paid for them and then went home to figure out how to get them in my miniature SUV.

These are about 27" x 19" x 23". Small enough to fit where we want them, but big enough to store a lot of supplies and tools. Like I said, they were a definite find,

We also checked the IKEA website and found we had just paid $30 for units that were $180 new - and these looked almost new. You will excuse our moment of smugness.

While I was stuck inside I started sorting my bead stash and putting it into the new cabinets. In the process I came across several pieces that were in various stages of completion, and I decided to reconnect with my beading and finish them up.

Some of the projects I completed on my snow days. I still have several more to go, but it is a good feeling to finish some of these.

Over the course of a few days I managed to complete at least eight (!) different projects. And a bonus! I had books to ship to fulfill the last of my Kickstarter, after all the medical issues over the fall and winter, so I made custom bookmarks for the backers who had waited so patiently.

Booksmarks were sent with each of the signed books at the top tier of my Kickstarter rewards. Don't tell anyone, it's supposed to be a surprise! (Oops, I probably should check that none of the backers are on this list!)

The lesson I took from the last few days is two-fold: 

One is to cherish our snow days, and remain determined to enjoy whatever life throws at us. To turn the unexpected setbacks into opportunities for creativity.

The other is to remember the lost loves of our creative life and to return to them when we can. You never know what you might find!

One last bonus picture - one of the finished bead projects hanging on our First Place trophy from last night's Trivia Night. Yes, it's a softball trophy. No, I don't know why. Still, First Place!

Time for Tapas?

Time for Tapas?

In the last couple weeks I have been working frantically on making slippers/socks. They are a kind of knitted hybrid, too heavy to be socks, but squishy enough that I can’t really call them slippers. What I can call them is appreciated.

With the family health issues I talked about last week, I’ve been feeling bad about not helping with patient care. The fact that we are thousands of miles away and would mostly be in the way means staying where we are for now is the proper thing to do, but it still feels like I should be doing more.

Enter the slippers. Both patients have issues with cold feet, and wanted some way to keep their feet warm. In the grand scheme of things it isn’t much – and any of us could easily buy warm socks or slippers – but I was asked if I could make some and I jumped in with both feet. (Sorry! {Not really.})

It made me feel useful, and they have been gratefully received. I get regular updates that they are enjoying their new slippers. So far I have shipped six pair (with another pair ready to go on Monday) in about two weeks.

 So what does this have to do with creativity? And tapas?

Well, tapas are small plates, appetizers if you prefer. They are meant to be sampled and shared. Just like these slippers.

The slipper pattern I chose was deliberately simple and quick to produce. I wanted something small, something that wouldn’t satiate my appetite for creating, but just give me a taste, possibly whet my appetite for more, and I wanted something I could share.

These are simple and make up quickly. They are exactly what was needed right now.

This quick and easy slipper was exactly what I needed in the moment.

These family members have some much more intricate and time-consuming items I’ve made for them. They have blankets that took literally hundreds of hours to complete, and nearly broke me with the shipping costs. They have books dedicated to them, and I’ve cooked them complicated meals and handmade desserts. I’ve created for them both permanent and transient manifestations of my creativity and my love.

But this time what they wanted, what they asked for, was a simple pair of slippers to keep their feet warm.

They didn’t want a five-course meal with a breathtaking dessert, they wanted tapas.

Yes, I went above and beyond, creating multiple pairs for both the patients and their caretakers, but I gave them simple, quick, and functional.

And sometimes that is enough.

All too often we get caught up with the possibilities – the elegant, expansive, expensive, time-consuming, extravagant potential projects – when we need to step back and try something simple.

That is one of the beauties of retirement. The time and space to try something new; to start simple and learn to tackle the more complex. To test our interest by making something basic and find out if we enjoy the process enough to devote time to developing our skill set so we can tackle something more complex. To spend a few hours knitting a simple pair of slippers to find out if we want to invest weeks or months on a sweater or blanket.

To see if the process holds our interest long enough for that larger project.

Now is your time to experiment, to sample the things you might want to try, to push your limits and find the places you want to go. To challenge yourself to find that complex, time-consuming project you want to tackle.

It’s all up to you – your creativity, your passions, your amusement.

You get to choose, and remember that you can choose whatever you want from the banquet of creativity.

Even if it’s tapas.

 

 

Suddenly Sunday Setbacks

Reading in the morning quiet when I realized I'd completely lost track of what day it is - something I was told happens when you retire - and I hadn't posted to my channel yet this week.

I am also waiting on a print proof which was due today. So before I headed to the office I went out to check the mailbox. No joy. But that wasn't the real problem. 

No, I had to complicate the day - by being distracted and not seeing the patch of mud until it was too late. My feet went out from under me and I landed flat on my back in the wet and mud. I wish I'd had a video of it, you can bet that sucker would have gone viral!

Nothing appears to be damaged. So far. I think I was actually lucky that I went down fairly flat and didn't land on my tailbone. Fingers crossed nothing decides to become unhappy later today. Seems like I bounce pretty good for an old broad.

I came back in soaked through, changed into dry clothes from the skin out, and am now sitting with a cup of coffee and watching a video of other people's problems. If you would like to join me, i just watched the latest from Laura Kampf on the problems with building her tiny house, and how she deals with setbacks when she is making things.

A Letter From Paris

Que Vuex-Tu Vraiment?

The post above comes to us from the Modern Daily Knitting blog, one of my favorite sites for inspiration. I hope you enjoy it.

It isn't usual for me to post two recommendations in succession, but this one hit me solidly last night and I wanted to share it with you.

The idea that we can break out of our shells, that we can allow our creativity to flourish, let our freak flag fly, is one that we all need to internalize. 

It's a lesson I truly believe becomes clearer and stronger with each passing year. By retirement age we have, with any luck, learned to care less and less about what other people think. We carry fewer limitations imposed from the outside. 

We have made peace with who we really are, and what we really want. (The literal translation of the above link is, "What do you really want?")

If we haven't learned to let go of other people's expectations - even those of people we love - we may at least be aware that we are not living exactly the way we want to. We may not even know why we are dissatisfied with our lives; we just know that something is "off" and we want it to change.

If that is you - if something is off in your life and you don't know what it is - start by asking yourself what you want, and what is keeping you from getting it. Are you following your own desires, or are you still trying to live the life someone else thinks you should?

Let me give you an example of someone living by their own desires:

A dear friend of mine was widowed about 10 years ago. She had spent the previous several years caring for her husband of nearly 50 years as his health declined. Then she spent another few years caring for the dog he left behind.

She was following the script that was laid down for her as a widow devoted to the memory of her husband.

After the dog crossed the rainbow bridge, she wanted to travel. She had traveled with her husband before his health failed, but she still wanted to travel, and she wanted to travel alone. She didn't need a companion, or a minder. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, and she was in excellent shape. There was no practical reason she couldn't go wherever she wanted.

Her children were horrified. How could she go traipsing around the world ALONE?

As it turns out, she could go traipsing around the world alone just fine. But in order to do so she had to defy the wishes of her children, their concern for her, their insistence that she should stay home and stay safe.

P.S. She eventually found another traveling companion. Now in their 90s, they have visited most of the continents (I think they've missed Antarctica) and enjoyed their adventures - and they're still going!

So what do YOU really want?

Answer that question, then go out and find it!

And don't let anyone tell you it's too late!

Recommended Watch: Midlife Crisis, with 74 Gear

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rE7R4bNn4U

Let me introduce you to Kelsey Hughes.

Kelsey is a 747 pilot with a YouTube channel, 74 Gear. My husband is an aviation and space enthusiast, so it didn’t take much for us to become fans of Kelsey's content. Initially I loved his Hollywood vs. Reality series on the aviation mistakes in movies, but all of his stuff is excellent. His dry sense of humor and his matter-of-fact delivery entertain and educate in equal measure, and often make me laugh.

Recently he’s experienced some dissatisfaction with producing videos, to the point of wanting to quit his channel and stop making videos. The main problem seems to be that he had locked himself into a particular role and the limitations made him unhappy. It all came to a head when another pilot commented about how he must be enjoying  making the videos – and he realized that the he was no longer enjoying making them. His creative outlet – born out of lockdown limitations on other activities – had become a second job. And a time-consuming one at that.

In this video he discusses his reaction to this realization, and the steps he is taking to change things.

While Kelsey is far younger than I am, I can understand his reactions. Something that started out as a lot of fun turned into an obligation, a thing he had to do, rather than something he wanted to do.

I think his plans have a lot to say about making our lives what we want them to be. I hope you agree.