Finding Mister Right (Now)

We’ve all heard the phrase “finding Mr. (or Ms.) Right” – the idea that there is an ideal, perfect someone out there for us to find. It’s the basic plot of every romance novel ever written.

There’s also the joke about giving up on finding Mr. Right and settling for Mr. Right Now, the less-than-perfect someone who might be interesting or fun, but we know they aren’t The One. And the follow-up line which is, “But what if Mr. Right comes along and thinks I’m taken because I’m with Mr. Right Now?”

Is this Mr. Right? Or just Mr. Right Now? Since I don't really want to live in the middle of the Mojave, he's probably Mr. Right Now!

Well, in reading last week’s recommended page at The Oatmeal I came across a phrase that stuck with me. I have been thinking about it a lot, and it reminds me of settling for Mr. Right Now.

Stopgaps have a way of becoming permanent.

Did you notice that line? Did it stick with you?

For me it was a much-needed reminder that just because we have always done things a certain way, used a certain tool, followed a certain process – because we have settled for Mr. Right Now – it doesn’t make it right forever.

When you DO find Mr. Right it's good to have a partner to share your adventures! After nearly 40 years, I think I made a good choice!

Right now, as we face retirement, or long for it, we are contemplating massive changes in our lives. That’s what we’ve been talking about here for the last year and a half.

One silly example:

When I was within a year of retirement, my work wardrobe needed some additions. I had worn black pants and dressy shirts for several years, but the pants had reached the point where I had to replace them or risk a major “wardrobe malfunction.” I looked around and found some very cheap (not just inexpensive, but honestly cheap) tunics online. Well, they were tunics on the 5’9” model; on my 5’1” frame they were knee-length and with the addition of leggings quite acceptable for work. For the cost of a couple pair of pants I got an array of colors and I was set to finish out my time to retirement.

Thos tunics were a stopgap, designed to get me through the last few months of working with very little expense. They were Mr. Right Now, and I knew the relationship wasn’t destined to last.

Except.

After several months of my favorite comfy jeans and T-shirts, I went back to work. That’s when I realized the dresses and leggings I dragged out of the back of the closet were definitely showing signs of wear. But it would only be a few weeks, I reasoned, and I could get by.

Those blue jeans may or may not be acceptable in the office, but they're what's right for me. And that's what matters!

When I returned to the office yet again this fall, I dragged those clothes back out of the closet, and started wearing them again. But I eventually realized they were no longer presentable, and I had to make a change.

I finally changed my attitude, decided I didn’t have to “dress for success” and have been comfortably working in jeans for the past several weeks. I had to examine the reasons I clung to that stopgap measure long after it stopped working for me, and to make a conscious decision to do something different.

We are all in transition, more so because our entire world has been upended in the last 24 months. But rather than fight to maintain the status quo, to preserve the stopgaps that we have managed to work with, perhaps it is time we examined our choices.

Do your tools, your habits, really work for you?

Does creating give you satisfaction?

Does the process of creating give you joy?

Is this your creative Mr. Right?

Or is it a stopgap, a Mr. Right Now, that needs to be replaced with something better?

Ten Things About Creativity

Today I am deferring to The Oatmeal, which is celebrating their 10th anniversary with a series of posts on the subject of Ten Things  I Learned About Creativity in Ten Years.  

Of course, it isn't really ten things, because creativity doesn't work that way for most of us. When we tell ourselves we will do ABC, our creative brain seems to become exceedingly contrary and deliver XYZ, or DEF, or GHJKMP, or the entire alphabet, but out of order.

The Oatmeal is not always G-rated - these are the same people who gave us the card game Exploding Kittens, after all) so consider this a language warning, if such things matter to you. And I am amazed at how much the artist, Matthew Inman, managed to pack into eight (not ten) comic strips. I want to talk about a lot of the things he presents here, but I feel like he's already said what needs to be said.

(I may try anyway, with less-salty language. Not because I don't swear - just ask the people that know me! - but because I try to maintain at least a little decorum on my page here.)

And my sincere thanks to patron Stephannie T. for pointing out Part 1, Erasers are Wonderful. 

Recommended Watch: Ping Pong Ball Gun (No, Really!)

Once again Adam Savage has given us a video I can highly recommend, for a variety of reasons.

This time he's re-creating a ping pong ball gun that he made as a fledgling 16-year-old maker, and there's a story of disappointment and encouragement that accompanies his build. 

Savage's videos are often worth the watch, just to see an experienced craftsman at work, and to admire the skill he brings to his work (also the mistakes he freely admits to - even the pros don't always get it right the first time).

But just as often it's his commentary, the stories behind the build that speak to us as makers, even when we don't share his enthusiasm for the particular project or process. Savage often talks about his emotional engagement with the item, or the process, or the general idea of making, and his genuine inclusivity makes him a role model for the maker community.

If you are not interested in the build itself, I suggest watching the first 3 minutes to get the background story, then skip forward to the 29-minute mark. There he talks about the impact of one bit of feedback on that 15-year-old kid, and what it meant to him.

Adam Savage One Day Build: Ping Pong Ball Gun 

The message to take away from his video, above all else, is that supporting our fellow makers with a kind word, a sincere compliment, an acknowledgement that they and their creations are seen is a precious gift we can give, and it costs us nothing but a few moments of our time.

As I have said in earlier posts, it costs nothing to be kind.

When Every Day is Groundhog Day

I am looking at a birthday card someone sent me that’s tacked to a bulletin board in my office. The picture is of a wet - and very unhappy looking - cat. The text says “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” On the inside of the card it says “And if that doesn’t work out, then tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.”

My birthday was several months ago, but this card is still on my bulletin board.

Right now I identify with that cat. A lot. Because right now it feels like I am starting over and I may need to start over again tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that.

Right now it feels like we are each living our own version of Groundhog Day, with each day feeling like the one before, like starting over.

When every day feels like an out-of-focus escalator to nowhere, you have to find a way to move forward.

But just like Bill Murray’s character in Groundhog Day (a movie I really love, in case you haven’t guessed) we can choose how we deal with the situation, and I think creativity may be a saving grace for all of us.

Think about it: All around us things continue to bog down in a pandemic that seems to be never-ending. This isn’t a political argument. Whatever else can be said, the toll the ongoing threat of Covid is taking on the mental health of the world is heavy, and unrelenting. Days and weeks run together, unchanging.

We have all seen the memes that tell us surviving under these trying circumstances is an accomplishment, and it is. But as people with a desire to create we need to do more than just survive.

We need to create.

So today I have a suggestion for all of us.

While we are looking forward to the new year, and are working to set out goals, or make our resolutions, I propose we do more. What do I mean by that?

Let’s WEAPONIZE our creativity in the fight against the cloud of existential dread that threatens our mental health. When we feel like we’re losing hope, let us pick up our pens, our brushes, our baking pans, needles, saws, pliers - whater your particular tools are - and MAKE something, anything. 

I don't knw WHY this person painted angry eyes on their blower, but it IS creative, and that is what matters!

Fight the darkness with the product of your own creative need.

Yes, I am trying to figure out how to break out of the funk that seems to have taken over in the last few weeks. A variety of medical annoyances (for me), and health complications (for Steve) have depleted my mental reserves. Major changes - including Steve leaving his job, insurance issues, and financial challenges - while all manageable, have piled on top of each other and sucked up all my time, energy, and attention. 

I’m tired of the continuing challenges we are facing, but more than that I am tired to allowing these intrusions to distract me from the things that feed my psyche, and I am angry with myself for allowing that to happen.

So I am adding to the list of intentions I posted last week. Besides that list –

I will use my creativity to fight the darkness. 

I will allow myself to create for the joy of creating, even if I have no other goal.

I will say yes to opportunities to create.

Maybe you’re weathering this better than I am, but I hope that by putting this out into the world I can create a space where it is safe to admit to this dread and despair. A place where we can find sympathy and support. A place where we can remind ourselves and each other that any creative act, no matter how small or simple, is lighting a match in the darkness to help each of us find out way through.

I'm going to go write a story. What are you going to do?

Creative Intent

Happy New Year!

The new year is here - are you ready for it?

Who am I kidding? Most of us aren’t ready. The last two years have left us all a bit unprepared for whatever is coming in the next one, and we just have to be okay with that. But that’s easier said than done, and the uncertainty can take a toll on our creativity.

So how do you approach the new year? 

First, I would love to hear YOUR answers to that question. I want to know what worked for you in the past, and how you may be altering those habits and approaches to deal with the changes.

Are you someone who makes New Year’s resolutions? 

Do you set goals by the week, month, or year? How do you track your progress?

Do you plan ahead for a year? Two years? Five years?

Has retirement changed how you approach a new year, and if so, how?

I’ve tried resolutions in the past. They haven’t worked for me, so I am trying to find other ways to plan for the coming year, and the year after, all while still dealing with the uncertainties of the current Covid issues - and with the ongoing day job situation, though I hope that will resolve itself in the near future.

The day job will continue into the new year, at least for a few weeks. When I started back in October I took on a general clean-up of some neglected processes, as well as a complete catchup of twelve months of daily work. In the three months since I have cleared out the neglected processes, and finished nine month’s worth of daily work. 

That may sound like an impossible amount of progress (If nine month’s work can be done in three months, why do they need a full-time department moving forward?), but the truth is that I am only able to do this because I did it every month for more than 20 years. 

I can see the completion of all the projects in the next few weeks, and I expect to be able to step back and let the new team move forward from a stable, up-to-date position. That wasn’t how things were when I retired the first time (or the second), but we are determined to do it right this time so they can be successful moving ahead.

So, knowing that the day job is going to not just take a back seat but actually not even be allowed in the car, what am I going to do?

• I am not going to set unreasonable goals.

• I am not going to try to do too many things at once. 

• I am not going to set myself up for failure. 

• I am going to take the new year one creative step at a time and give myself room to breathe and grow.

• I am going to be flexible when the world throws me a curveball, as I know it will.

• I am going to honor my creativity, and hold space for it, both in my physical world and in my mental world.

So no, I don’t have any hard-and-fast resolutions. I only have the intention to do better this year than in the past, to be a better version of myself in whatever way I can, and to allow time and space to create at least a little something every day.

How about you?

What Is Patreon?

I know that some of you have had questions about what Patreon is, and now is your opportunity to find out.

Patreon is a subscription-based site where all my content is posted two weeks before it appears here, as well as having exclusive content, like an irregular “Quote of the Day” post when I find something I want to share, and “Today in Making” when I find an interesting or useful video online. There’s also a Discord channel, though we have only done one live feed so far.

Because I was taking a break for the holidays and not posting new content every week, I suspended billing on my Patreon channel for the month of January. So now would be the time to join and see what else is on the feed. You can subscribe, take a look, and decide if you would like to continue. No strings, I promise. Just click the link below.

Dispatches From the Tsunami Zone

Either way, there are new posts coming, now that our holiday break is over. In the meantime, I owe an editor a story and I need to go finish it!

Have a good week, and we will see you back here next week!

Somerhing From Nothing

I have been thinking about this topic for several weeks; the idea that we create things with our imaginations that have never existed before.

The idea of making something from nothing came from a number of different directions, including a couple weeks when I found it difficult to fill this page with a post that I felt was worth your while to read. I had to write a column when I had nothing to start with.

Another jumping off point was, I believe, speaking to new(er) writers at the convention we attended in November. One question that comes up whenever an established writer talks to someone just starting their creative journey is “Where do you get your ideas?”

You see, someone just starting out in a creative endeavor is almost always convinced that the idea (and they think they only have one) is precious, that they have to execute it flawlessly because they may never have another. This can lead to creative paralysis as the creator becomes afraid of “wasting” that precious idea.

Making something from nothing is acknowledging that the idea is not precious, that ideas are everywhere and nowhere, and that being creative does not hinge on having a new, unique, important idea. It is accepting that we can create something without that special, important idea.

It’s easy enough to read and accept that statement, but it’s much harder to internalize the practice of making something from nothing. You have to train your creative brain to see ideas when they come along, and you have to learn to trust yourself to find ideas when you need them.

Trusting yourself is a tough thing. It’s having confidence, believing in yourself, giving yourself credit for your creative output - and that’s something we have talked about a lot here. It ties in to imposter syndrome, to the loss of status that comes with leaving the day job, to the turmoil that comes with the massive changes brought about by retirement.

How can you possibly believe in yourself when everything in the world around you is telling you that you’re a beginner who knows nothing?

Practice. 

Practice looking for ideas.

Practice asking “What’s next?”

Practice flying blind.

Practice believing in yourself.

And maybe this is actually one of those “fake it ‘til you make it” moments. Because the more you practice, the more you can start believing in yourself. That’s the first step to making something from nothing.

The truth is that we really aren’t creating something from nothing; we are synthesizing all our learning, all our experiences, all the creative art we have seen, heard, read, watched, eaten, consumed in any way. We are creating something from within ourselves, based on the sum of our experience of the world. Sure, something may trigger that creation, but in the end everything we create comes from us, from who we are.

You want an example of what I’m talking about?

I’ve just watched the latest season of the Great British Baking Show (available on Netflix). The show follows the standard reality show setup of weekly eliminations culminating in finalists vying for the top spot in the finale, with the assumption that the finalists are the most competent of the participants. 

Setting aside the ways in which “reality” can be distorted by editing choices, the finale showed the viewers how their chosen finalists faced their final challenges. Each of the three finalists had shown incredible talent and skill in earlier episodes. They clearly had extensive knowledge of terms and techniques, and an understanding of the complexities involved.

But they didn’t know everything.

That was clear in one of the segments of the final episode, where they were challenged to produce a specific type of baked good without a recipe provided - and none of them actually knew what it was they were being asked to make.

They were asked to make something from nothing.

How did they respond?

After the initial shock of instructions that said “Make 12 of this item,” they began to work the problem by trusting their practice, knowledge, and experience. They searched their memories for something they could apply to the problem, and they moved ahead with creating something - even when they didn’t have a perfect, precious idea.

I grant you these people had a depth of experience, lots of time to practice and perfect their skills, and the benefit of support staff, producers and directors, and skilled editors who could make them look good. However, in the end they were the ones making something that came from their own imaginations.

So how do I get my ideas? Well, there’s this P.O. Box in Weehawken. But if I told you what it is I would have to turn in my Super Seekret Writing Guild card…

Or you can just let your inner two-year-old out to play. That kid has a million ideas.

Merry Christmas

This time of year we are all busy, some of us are absolutely overwhelmed, and many of us are exhausted. I’ve been feeling a bit of all three, and only just realized I missed last week’s post.

This week I am taking a deliberate break for Christmas, and recharging my batteries for the beginning of the new year. Plans are in the works for new and exciting challenges, so I hope you will all stay tuned!

In the meantime, I wish you all the best for the holiday season in whatever way you celebrate. May your days be filled with light and love, and may the coming year be filled with joy.

An Update

This is the post from last week. Just to fill you in a little.

Thank you all for your kind words and messages of support. I just wanted to let you all know that Steve has a new stent, and was released from the hospital on Tuesday. 

We spent a couple more days near the hospital, but he seems to be doing well and we started for home on Thursday. He can't drive for about 7-10 days, so it will be a slower trip home with only one driver, but we are on our way.

It has meant the world to me to know I have your support, and I have some fodder for several new columns.

Again, thank you all for your kind words!

And here’s where we are now.

Sorry I haven't checked in this week - it's been a bear!

We got home Tuesday night, grabbed some dinner and unloaded the car. Well, I unloaded the car, handing Steve items that were under his 10 pound limit. I did a little laundry, put clean sheets on the bed, unpacked the clean clothes (thanks to the washer and dryer at out son's place!), and collapsed.

Wednesday I went back to the office, as there were important meetings at the end of the week and I needed to get ready. The good news there is that we got through all six (!) of those meetings mostly unscathed, and I am making remarkable progress on my special projects. I am very much looking forward to me re-re-retirement soon!

Steve is doing well, far better than anyone would have expected, given what he went through. We will know more after we meet with his cardiologist later this week, though we know more treatment is in his future.

Thank you all again for all your support and understanding. It's been three weeks of stress, exhaustion, and distraction, but it feels like we are starting to come out the other side - but I refuse to jinx it by saying it's over!

Delayed

My usual pattern here is to post the content from my Patreon on a two-week delay cycle. But things have been a bit jumbled over the last couple weeks, which makes the posts a bit jumbled. We have had some medical drama, and the post below is what appeared last Sunday at Patreon., written on Thanksgiving day. My regular schedule will resume soon.

Images From a Hospital

I’m sitting outside a hospital room, waiting for my husband to go for a stress test. He is asleep right now, and that’s why I’m sitting outside - to let him sleep. If the test goes okay they will let him out, but my hopes are not high. I am scared, stressed out, and a little frantic. I don’t know what we will do if they don’t release him. It’s the kind of nightmare you never want to live.

But I have some observations that aren’t related to him, and maybe writing about them will let me take my mind off him. Although now that the nurse is talking to his roommate I am afraid they will wake him.

This is a big city hospital, with all the issues that come with it. His last hospital visit was in a regional medical center in a university town, and he was in the cardiac unit. The rooms were large, he was in a private room most of the time, and we were insulated from most of the activity. Sure, the nurse’s station was a bit noisy at shift change, and there was some activity in the halls, but it was mostly pretty calm.

The activity here is constant. But beyond that is the type of patient they are dealing with, and the issues presented. And I am seeing stuff that is sad and scary and distressing.

A few minutes ago the nurse was talking to Steve’s roommate and the conversation centered around getting him a “placement.” I take that to mean that he is either homeless (a definite possibility) or is not capable of going home without a caregiver and that he lives alone. 

In another room two therapists are talking to a woman with hearing loss (so the conversation is loud) about her limited mobility, and assessing if she can move from bed to chair, etc. without help. Apparently the problems are long-standing, so she’s already figured out a lot of adaptations, and they are being very encouraging. But they are also giving her breathing exercises.

Then there are the isolation rooms. As we walk the halls - walking helps Steve control his anxiety - we see the rooms with the red tags next to the door “Isolation Protocols.” Doors are kept closed, there are disinfectant stations outside each door, and no one goes in or out. Except the medical personnel. I watched this morning as a pair of techs suited up in masks and ventilation hoods, disposable gowns and gloves. They loaded a small tray with the supplies they would need, because they couldn’t take a standard cart into the room and bring it back out. Their demeanor, the calm familiarity of their movements and expressions, their casual conversation and banter as they suited up, all spoke to how commonplace the situation has become. They moved quickly, then stepped into the room with the scary red sign next to the door.

On Steve’s ward at least two patients are screamers. Not that they are abusing the staff, or yelling AT anyone. They just yell. Continually. I have been here since a little after 8, it’s just past noon now, so about 4 hours. One patient has literally been screaming since I got here, and Steve says this has gone on all night. Her voice is so raspy, so hoarse, she sounds like a bad imitation of Gilbert Godfried crossed with a crow and turned up to 11. She has literally screamed herself hoarse, to the point she cannot be understood, and her vocalizations are more growls and screeches. It’s heartbreaking and terrifying, and my heart goes out to the staff who don’t have the luxury I do of walking down the hall where the noise isn’t as intense. I can’t imagine how she can even still make any noise, as damaged as her throat sounds. Given that it’s a hospital, they keep the doors open if at all possible, so you can hear her across the ward. Right now I am sitting in a little waiting area while Steve is in for his stress test and it is near her room. It’s a break from the confines of his shared room, but it’s close to her room and it isn’t helping my nerves much.
The other screamer is around the corner from this one, and he isn’t as loud. But he does yell a lot and the constant din must be unbearable for the staff.
Steve says the turmoil, the screaming, the constant noise and movement kept him up most of the night. He’s feeling traumatized and stressed by the situation and the chaos around him is not helping his mental health. He walked around the ward between the central nurse’s stations and the rooms that surround them, finally coming up with the title Circling Bedlam. Says he wrote 1,000 words between 4 and 5 in the morning, then managed to fall asleep. He was asleep when I got here, slept until 10:30 or so, and they came to take him for his test just before noon. He’s been gone about an hour, so maybe it’s time to wander back toward the room.

Steve did not come back from the stress test. Instead they sent him to the cath lab for a workup and then to ICU. There are several arterial blockages which need to be fixed one way or another. After three days of increasingly bad news, stress, and terror - we went from “I think I’m having an anxiety attack” to “open heart surgery” in that time - we think there is a plan. The doctors believe they can do stebts (yes, plural) and they are going to try and schedule him for Monday. If all goes well he will be released in about 24 hours.

We are still in Las Vegas (should have been home tonight or tomorrow) and dealing with things like not packing enough meds - or clean underwear - but out hotel has been exceptional about extending our stay and offering us deeply discounted rates. We have a tentative route home planned, and the possibility that someone can meet us partway to share the driving.

We are fortunate to have willing cat sitters, insurance, resources, high limit credit cards with no significant balances, and the flexibility to stay here for another week. We will survive, though our finances will be a bit bruised. 

Thanks for reading this far. My apologies for the interruption in my usual feed. I certainly hope we can get back on track Real Soon Now.